SNL Cold Open Lambasts Donald Trump & Pete Hegseth Over War in Iran

The Saturday Night Livecold open lambasted President Donald Trump and Secretary of War Pete Hegseth over the war in Iran — also addressing Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem‘s firing, in the process.

On the Saturday, March 7, episode of SNL,Colin Jost reprised his role as Hegseth. His portrayal once again featured an overly aggressive, college frat boy vibe.

Hegseth took questions from reporters at a press conference after doing a keg stand to offer updates about the war in Iran.

“As you may have seen from our epic Pentagon meme drops, we’re treating Iran like the breathalyzer in my car and blowing it the hell up,” Jost, as Hegseth, declared. “The good news is, our operation couldn’t be going better, and everyone loves it. To quote my personal hero, Papa Roach, “Cut Iran into pieces. Make it a Trump resort.”

Next, Hegseth shared, “We’re giving Iran a third-degree purple nurple, all right? And we torpedoed their ships so bad, their Navy’s gonna be singing, ‘Under the sea.’ Yeah, that’s right. We can do Jamaican again. You’re welcome.”

The secretary of war also interrupted a question from a reporter to clarify the situation involving ongoing attacks from the U.S. and Israel on Iran.

“Whoever called this a war?” Hegseth pointed out. “Except maybe the president a couple times accidentally, OK? This isn’t a war. Also, why do we have to put labels on everything, OK? What are you, my high school girlfriend? Which I had.”

Hegseth continued, “This isn’t a war. It’s a situationship, right? We’re just gonna hook up. We’re gonna see where it goes. If it feels good, we’ll keep going. And if we get bored, we’ll start hooking up with Cuba.”

After a reporter asked if there would be “boots on the ground” in Iran, Hegseth shot back, “Uh, yeah. Your mom’s next to my bed after I bang her.”

Finally, Hegseth introduced Noem for the last time, selling reporters, “After year, singular, of hard work, “DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been reassigned under the bus. So let’s bring her out to give her a proper goodbye.”

Ashley Padilla, as Noem, then took the stage to set the record straight. “I just want to make it clear that I didn’t get fired, I self-deported,” she said. “And though I may be leaving this job, I will not be ending my mission. As I told my plastic surgeon, the work is never done.”

She then quipped, “But I gave my all to the DHS, and I have no regrets. Because like they say, you miss 100% of the dogs you don’t shoot.”

Additionally, Noem said she was “proud of what we’ve accomplished.”

“I took this job with the goal of securing our border, deporting thousands of illegals, and spending $200 million on ads of me riding a horse. And I think I really nailed it,” she explained. “And by ‘it,’ I mean my married coworker in a big, beautiful flying bedroom 30,000 feet over Minneapolis.”

Noem continued, “And while I look forward to what comes next, leaving is bittersweet. But the time has come for me to turn in my badge, bun, lips, lashes, teeth, and forehead.”

Finally, she mentioned her new role as special envoy for “The Shield of the Americas,” which Trump created.

“This may be goodbye, but this isn’t goodbye forever,” Noem said, to which Hegseth popped back into the frame and pointed out, “Yeah, except that it is.”

Neom replied, “Oh, OK,” before both Jost and Padilla exclaimed, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Saturday Night Live, Saturdays at 11:30 p.m. ET on NBC