Why Leave the Country, the state, or even the house? You’re better off at home.
With summer right around the corner, it’s time to purchase airfare, secure accommodations, and plan your adventure, right? Wrong. Dead. Wrong. I suggest you think about the inherent risks before getting too cavalier with your seasonal plans. After all, it’s nearly impossible to become a causality of the travel industry if you never leave the house. And after I walk you through the dangers that you will ultimately face, I’m convinced you will come to realize that tourism is actually very overrated.
The Ruins
I can admit that taking a trip to Mexico to see the sights seems like a relaxing way to unwind. But if I have learned anything from the cautionary tale The Ruins it’s that danger lurks where we least expect it. What will you do when you are visiting Mexico and you come across a German tourist searching for his missing brother? Well, you will offer to accompany him to the remains of a Mayan temple, of course. But that fateful choice will lead to your ultimate demise when you are eaten alive by carnivorous plants. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. So, before it’s too late, cancel your trip. It might just save your life.
The Descent
If you insist on giving in to the evils of tourism this summer, please do not go poking around in caves. It’s simply not advisable. As the ladies in The Descent quickly learned, spelunking may take your mind off your problems for a moment. But what will you do when you break a bone and then find yourself under attack by unidentified cave-dwelling monsters waiting to outfit you with a new hole in your throat? Hmmmm? “Let’s go spelunking,” they said. “It will be fun,” they said. Famous last words.
Hostel
The idea of gallivanting across Europe has a certain appeal to it. At least to those unfamiliar with the evils that await unsuspecting tourists. However, if you’ve seen Hostel, you know that anyone you meet whilst traveling abroad (or even domestically) may have designs on selling you to an underground organization that allows the ultra-rich to kill for sport. The good news is that you can save yourself from certain death by avoiding the urge to travel. Instead, consider starting a new book, learning to crochet, or fostering a rescue animal.
Turistas
A trip to Brazil with friends. Fun, right? No. Not fun. Just take it from the unsuspecting pals that found themselves a few organs short of a set in Turistas. Sadly, they learned too late that giving in to the tourism industry will almost certainly lead to a seemingly nice young man convincing you and your friends to come to his uncle’s house. But the sobering truth is that there is no uncle. Just an organ-harvesting ring with designs on your liver, spleen, and kidneys. Yikes. Why not just stay home and enjoy a stimulating board game or a movie marathon? It’s probably for the best.
High Lane
The main takeaway from the movie High Lane, it’s that tourism is a surefire recipe for disaster. Rock climbing in Croatia sounds like a fun time for all. But what happens when you cannot resist the urge to throw caution to the wind and climb where you were not meant to climb? And worse yet, how will you feel when a deranged recluse begins murdering your friends? I suspect you will wish you had listened to my warnings and spent your summer at home. You are much less likely to be the target of violent crime in the safety of your own residence. So, for your safety, please cancel your travel plans and spend the summer reorganizing your closet or remodeling your kitchen. Staying put is not quite as exciting as traveling. But what does excitement even matter if you’re dead?
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