Don’t go back in the water, and definitely don’t go perusing the aquatic terrors on Amazon Prime. In the heyday of the SyFy network, Roger Corman and company were the best kind of benefactors. The likes of Sharknado, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Sand Sharks, and, of course, 3-Headed Shark Attack were Saturday night perennials. If it was the weekend, it meant a SyFy original creature feature. Now, the best of this computer-generated subgenre has landed on streaming. For those looking for toothy terrors, here are five of the best, ridiculous shark movies currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
Santa Jaws
Ho, ho, holiday terror. By now, almost everyone is aware of Misty Talley’s infamous Santa Jaws, a movie that delivers exactly what the damn near-perfect title suggests. Reid Miller is an aspiring artist, and after being gifted a mysterious pen, his drawings start coming to life, including the titular shark. Decked out with a Santa hat over its dorsal fin and a kind of Narwhal, candy cane tusk, it’s as festive as it is frightening. Santa Jaws never demands to be taken seriously, and it’s all the better for it.
Toxic Shark
Stop me when you’ve heard it before. A bunch of sexy co-eds plans a day of rest and relaxation by the sea, unaware that a swarm of, well, toxic sharks are lurking about. A kind of cross between Jaws and Cabin Fever, Toxic Shark sounds better than it actually is, though it never endeavors to be anything more than an outrageously fun time replete with computer-generated carnage.
6-Headed Shark Attack
If you read the intro and scoffed, thinking, “Oh, only three heads,” have no fear. There is, in fact, a 6-Headed Shark Attack, nearly doubling the heads from the preceding entry. A marriage boot camp on a remote island (that has to be the reason performers sign on, by the way—a free trip to a nice island) becomes a bloodbath when the titular 6-headed shark attacks the beach. Whether in water or on land, no one is safe. Truly, the 6-headed shark itself is a pleasure to behold, a kind of silky smooth, gray computer composite dredged from the darkest recesses of its creators’ minds. And it’s glorious.
Sharktopus
Sharktopus is a genuine classic. When I was in high school, I had unfettered control over the family DVR, filling it out with the likes of Dinocroc and Sharktopus. Sorry, Criminal Minds, I have monster hybrids to watch. Truly, at this point in the SyFy network’s history, one monster was never enough. There needed to be battles (see: Lake Placid vs. Anaconda) or outrageous hybrids (see: Piranhaconda). None are quite as great as the Sharktopus, though. Created by Eric Roberts scientist for the United States Navy, their touchstone weapon soon turns on them, terrorizing beachgoers at a Mexican resort, chomping off heads with its shark jaws, and drowning them in the deep with its octopus tentacles. In truth, I love Sharktopus, and if one Sharktopus isn’t enough, don’t worry. There are two sequels, including Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (a barracuda and pterodactyl hybrid) and Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf. Godzilla vs. Kong who?
Land Shark
It’s a land shark. A shark on land. And the core human protagonists try to take it down with “beep, beep, boop, boop” space guns. Just listen to this line from the trailer. “Just when you thought it was safe on dry land, you’ll wish you were back in the water.” Come on. Granted, the movie is almost aggressively low-budget, lacking any sense of space, scale, or genuine character work. But it’s hard to sin a movie when it promises exactly what its title suggests. This is a genetically modified shark capable of stalking its prey on land, and sometimes, that’s more than enough.
Which of these ridiculous shark movies have you seen? Is there one you think is leagues better than all the rest? Let us know over on Twitter.
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