Primate review – yes, we have no bananas

Perhaps I’m just aworrywart, but in the hypothetical event Idecided to raise achimpanzee as amember of my family, Iwould be inclined to put some measures into place in case of an emergency. Even the friendliest pet dog can unexpectedly turn on its master – imagine what aprimate weighing around 40 kilos in possession of a1,300 PSI bite force and opposable thumbs might be able to do in abad mood. Not having any provisional plan for achimp attack when there is achimp regularly toddling around your home is gross negligence.

Anyway, meet the Pinborough family, who live in aswanky glass house overlooking the Hawai’ian coast. There’s patriarch Adam (Troy Kotsur), asuccessful author of crime novels who happens to be deaf, his teenage daughters Lucy (Johnny Sequoyah) and Erin (Gia Hunter), and Ben, who is achimpanzee. Ben was brought to live with the Pinboroughs by Lucy and Erin’s mother, alinguistics professor who passed away from cancer in the recent past. This grief, compounded by the physical and metaphorical distance created by Lucy leaving for college, has driven awedge between the sisters – when Lucy returns for the summer alongside BFF Kate (Victoria Wyan) and frenemy Hannah (Jessica Alexander) she receives something of afrosty reception from Erin while her dad’s already on his way out of the door for awork trip.

At least Ben is pleased to see her. The chimp communicates with the Pinboroughs through signs and the picture-to-speech software on his tablet, though this doesn’t really matter, because, as the film’s opening title card sporting the dictionary definition of rabies has already indicated, Ben’s not long for this world. He’s contracted the disease from amongoose bite (incidentally Hawai’i is the only US state to be officially declared rabies-free, adistinction it has held since 2000) and – despite the disease’s incubation period typically ranging from 3to 6weeks – within amatter of hours he’s displaying all the rabies hallmarks. Foaming at the mouth, hydrophobia and extreme aggression – this does not bode well for the oblivious teenagers in thehouse.

To their credit, writer/​director Johannes Roberts and co-writer Ernest Riera set out their stall very early on, with chirpy comedian Rob Delaney cameoing as aveterinarian who is the first victim in Ben’s rabies rampage. If you’ve ever wondered what aface being peeled from askull or ascalping via ponytail looks like, Primate​’s gory set pieces have the answer, and the choice to cast Miguel Torres Umba as Ben rather than rely on asoulless CGI ape is definitely for the better. But watching Primate and revelling in these practical effects, there’s asense that this film should be much better than it actually is. Ahorror film about the brazen folly of attempting to domesticate achimpanzee, or even about the terrifying reality of rabies (which is almost always fatal once apatient is symptomatic) should work. Unfortunately Primate has little interest in its own subject matter – technical plot holes and interchangeable characters aside, there’s no consideration given to Ben’s role within the Pinborough family, let alone the macabre history of domestic chimp attacks in America. Considering Jordan Peele was able to thread the needle of chimpsploitation within asmall subplot of his masterpiece Nope, it feels all the more baffling Roberts can’t spin ayarn even half as interesting with an entire 90-minute runtime to play with. Instead we’re left to float around like five teenagers hiding from akiller chimp in an infinity pool, bemused by Primate​’s lack of both scientific comprehension and cinematic ambition.